The Sexual Myths That Destroy Intimacy
By Kristin Denton
The sexual myths we hold create the sexual relationship we have.
What we hold as 'true' in our minds, and what our partner holds as
'true' in their mind becomes a myth.
Now, that in itself isn't so bad. ALL humans have the stories in their heads that run their behavior.
Really, the only
'bad' thing about having stories is when you don't check in with your partner and let hem/her know what YOUR stories are.
Stories tend to get acted on as
though they were true and obvious to everybody present. But, hello! They aren't. The stories in my head are about as obvious to you, the reader of this article, as
they are to the guy upstairs at his computer (my partner).
It's not that he's some moron show doesn't have a clue. It's that he's human and he doesn't know
how to mind read.
So here's my advice: talk about the things you hold to be true around sex and sexuality with your partner. You'll be amazed at how much
intimacy that will bring into your relationship.
It may be scary... but just set a time with your partner and then preface the conversation with your desire to be
totally open and honest. Make a clear and present request that your partner respect what you're going to say and just listen - that you're not looking to 'fix' anything
And then start the story-telling.
Here are some of the myths that couples have around sex and sexuality. You may look into yourself and
see if you hold any of these. If you don't - what IS the belief you hold around that topic?
-- Men only want sex.
-- Women shouldn't ask for what they
-- I lost my sex drive.
-- If your partner stops wanting sex, he/she doesn't love you.
-- He/she never thinks about or wants sex.
-- Only *bad* girls talk about sex or enjoy it.
-- All men are *bad* boys.
-- Men only want a cook in the kitchen and a freak in the bedroom.
Men don't want you to tell them what you need.
-- Women don't give men feedback so they don't hurt their feelings.
Now, when you get to the point
of wanting to make some changes: There are four steps to creating change. If you'd like to break through any of these myths - if they aren't serving you, try to work
through these steps.
1) Awareness -- The first step is to realize there is an issue that needs to be addressed.
2) Understanding -- This step can be
around understanding the issue, it can also be around understanding your partner and yourself. Remember that your comfort zone is your enemy in relationships. True
intimacy and vulnerability is scary stuff.
3) Agreement -- Here is where you want to get clear about your commitment to making a change. Are you in this
together or alone?
4) Action -- Set up steps to take, find your self a coach, or get relationship CDs or maybe a book you can read together.
going to wrap this up with a tough question: And are you willing to make the change in your stories... and be the one in your relationship who changes their stories
If you can say yes to both parts of that question, you're in a great place.
NOW: Arrange a time with your beloved to discuss your sexual
Kristin Denton teaches the Magic
Relationship Method with her life partner, Paul Sterling. Previous to this gig, she taught high school language, literature and communication for 18
Even though she was teaching academic communication skills to students, on the personal side she was having trouble with her relationships. Three
divorces later she met Paul. He introduced her to nonviolent communication... a way to change the way she relates to her partner, instead of changing partners or
changing her partner.
Find out for yourself how to change your relationship through communication:
height="90" width="114" Kristin-Denton_37456 Kristin
Denton - Paul-Sterling_37456 Paul Sterling -